Thursday, July 25, 2013

Dear Philadelphia; A Runner's Confession

There comes a time in every man's life when he must face the music. When he can no longer continue to live with the weight of what he has done. When he comes to a crossroads, and must decide where to go next.

It is at such a crossroads, that I find myself.

So here I stand, glancing back at the road I have taken. A road marred by the sins of my past, betrayal, pride, lies, the list goes on. And so it has come to pass that the weight of such crimes has become too great, too much for me to step forward.

At such a time, there is but one thing to do.

Confess.

So here, in no particular order, is my confession.

My running confession.

Forgive me Father (Bob), for I have sinned.

1.) That time I stopped at the yellow light, and made a face as though I was mad that I had to stop... that was lie. I wasn't mad... I wasn't mad at all. The truth is that I saw it was green half a block before hand, and slowed down to make sure I wouldn't catch the green light.

2.) Those times I looked down at my watch as though I were checking my pace... I don't know why I did that, I wasn't even timing myself, I just do it cause I think it makes me look legit.

3.) I've never admitted this out loud to another runner... but I'm thinking about doing a triathlon.

4.) Sometimes... Sometimes I listen to music when I run... and sometimes it's Jay-Z... okay... Beyonce'... okay... Glee... okay... One Direction... happy now?

5.) It's possible that I don't wash my running shorts EVERY time after I run...

6.) That time I almost ran into someone, and said I was sorry... I wasn't sorry. I was the exact opposite of sorry... dude needs to stop texting and watch where he is walking.

7.) When you asked me "how long that marathon was?" and I said "26.2". And then you asked me "how long that other marathon was?" and I said "26.2". And then you said "Duh, I'm a dumb, idiot" and I said "No problem", what I really wanted to say was "Correct, you are a dumb, idiot".

8.) I don't want to do a "Zombie Run" if I wanted to run away from creepy, pale, odd looking people, I'd run in Northern Liberties.

9.) On rare occasions I give the middle finger and use profanity towards ignorant drivers.

10.) On occasion I lie about how ofter I give the middle and use profanity towards ignorant drivers.

11.) Those times I clear my throat as I run by you... I didn't need to clear my throat, I was just making sure you knew how I felt about you and your girlfriend's decision to take up THE ENTIRE sidewalk.

12.) Half the socks I wear do not belong to me... and quite frankly, I'm not even sure where they came from, or how I got them.

13.) Nothing shows my laziness like my laziness to make a new playlist.

14.) When I say "I'm sorry, I can't. I have a lot of work to do.". What I am really saying is "I'm sorry, what you're suggesting is stupid, and I'd rather go run in 90 degree heat.".

15.) When I get home from a run, I eat... a lot... yeah... a lot.

16.) Blood doping sounds interesting.

17.) Stretching is stupid.

18.) Sometimes when I spit I aim for a sewer grate, and I sometimes I...

19.) When that biker yelled "On your Left"... what I wanted to reply was "How bout you get your fat ass off that bike and we'll see who is faster. Until then Lance Armstrong, learn how to steer your bike out of people's way".

20.) I don't care, that I don't care.

And for that... I am sorry...

Well... kinda...




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