Monday, August 1, 2011

Running Snob


Hi, my name is Dan and I am a running snob. 

There I said it. And frankly, I’m not exactly ashamed to admit it. Below is a list, a checklist really, to see if you are a running snob like me.

Category One- Bikers
If the words “On your left!” bother you as much as they bother me, you may in fact be a running snob. There’s just something about being passed by a middle aged couple in khaki shorts that makes my jaw tense up. 

“Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dipshit, how about you get off that bike and we’ll see who’s faster!” 

And quite frankly, I don’t get the outfits. Okay, okay, I understand a little bit if you are a serious, serious biker. But let’s be honest, spandex, much like welfare, was not invented for the entire population for a reason. And after seeing the quantities of spandex needed to cover some of these bodies, I would totally buy stock in it… that is if I knew how. 

And it’s not that I hate bikers. Some of my best friends are bikers. But sometimes I just can’t help it.
And if you don’t agree come down to the Kelly Drive loop and see how long it takes for you to get buzzed by 59 year old on a bike.

“Hey! Lance Armstrong take it easy, the flat 8.4 mile loop isn’t exactly the Champs Elysees.”

Could be worse though, they could be on roller blades.

Category Two- Barefoot Running

Okay, so apparently, according to certain people, running barefoot is the most natural way for us to run. To those people, I would suggest they come out with us one Wednesday morning and run through the streets of Chinatown on trash day. 

And I don’t know who designed these things people put on their feet, but gloves were meant to go on people’s hands, not feet.

So it may be the most natural way to run, but I’ll keep my shoes, thanks.

Category Three- Trail Running

Not for nothing, but the only way I am hauling ass through the woods is if there is a bear chasing me.

Category Four- Water Belts

We’ve all been there. Lining up at the start of a race only to look over and see one of these water belts. You are confused because the race is a 5K and this thing is packed to the gills like he is about to invade Poland.

Category Five- Walking a Half Marathon

Let me be clear, I am all about letting anyone regardless of pace try to complete a race, I don’t care if it’s a 5K or a Marathon. Good for you, way to get out there and give it a try. Just do me a favor, when you are out there, get the hell out of peoples way.

Category Six- Race t-shirts

Four words that should never, ever go together… “Race Shirt” and “Mock Turtleneck”. 

Category Seven- People who hate running

Nothing exemplifies my running snobbery like the way I interact with those who hate running. Those people who think it’s not a real sport or activity cause there’s no ball or a need to inject your friends with steroids in their butts.

“Hey, meathead, why don’t you put down the muscle milk and see how long you can keep up with us?”

Category Eight- Misc.

Coming at you quickly…

Loose wrists? WTF

Ultra-Marathons seem to be a culturally accepted form of mental illness.

Mesh shorts, really, really? 

Black running shoes… I know, I know… THEY WERE FREE!

5K training plans. Day 1- Go run 3.1 miles. 

People who can’t spell Gatorade.

People who wear their finisher medals around all day. Unless you are Michael Phelps, that medal comes off once you’ve showered. (Until obviously, you are alone later that night in your bedroom, at which point you are allowed to sleep in it.)

“Half a Marathon”

8Ks. Can’t we just call it a five miler?

Drivers who slam on their brakes, then give you a wave to jog out in front of their car. Oh, absolutely, let me just step out in front of your car after that display. Not exactly reassuring there, Mario Andretti.

Category Nine- Other Running Snobs

So, here’s the deal. I am a running snob, but there are plenty of others. Plenty of others who take exception with many of the things that I do, like listen to music, run in the city, run in the afternoon, and refuse to wear short shorts.

And honestly, I’m okay with that. Running, as I see it, is just that, as I see it. I love running, and I love people who love running, even if it is barefoot on a trail, during a 50K, in short shorts, with a water belt, loose wrists, and rocking a mock turtleneck.

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